Is this not the fast I have chosen?

So, I’ve been having some religious worries for a long time. While my faith in God will always be firm, the realities of religion- the corruption, the bias, the negative perceptions, the narrow-mindedness (within and towards)- have affected my personal understanding of religion and has caused me to become severely conflicted, to the point that I had sincerely lost faith in humanity.

To fix this, I sought to talk to people, to make deeper connections with the people I see as my friends. Because who better to restore your faith than the people you admire and love the most? But, I realized that my conversations with them aren’t going to fix this and that my pursuit of them, the inexcusable dogging, the repeating of conversations and issues, just pushes my friends away. And I am becoming more vicious then peaceful.

Peace of mind. To be content with my life and my choices. This something I actually yearn for. I have not been truly happy in 3 long years. Since childhood.

A weird thing happen to me today. I was working in lab watching everyone go to lunch, and I was suddenly not hungry. And hunger for me has always been an attainable condition. It was so sudden. And so weird. And so peaceful. When my co-worker asked me to lunch, I declined.

“I’m fasting,” I said. It wasn’t until I said it that I realized it was true. 

I haven’t fasted in years. But the prospect seems …exciting. Thought-provoking. Peaceful. It stirs emotions in me that I haven’t deeply felt in a long time. 

So I think its a good move. I’m not sure how long it’ll go on. Just looking on the internet has revealed The Daniel Fast, The Normal Fast, and the Total fast, all of lengths varying from 3 days to a month, and dictating different rules. 

I don’t know if I’ll follow them. I honestly think that going with my own rules may not be so bad. As long as I keep focus on developing myself. On feeding my spirit, nourishing my soul. Understanding myself, my purpose, my perspective. On reaffirming my faith in God, and placing my life in His hands. 

Maybe I’ll blog about it. 

I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to get people to understand- to see things my way… not to change their opinion but to believe that its possible. And that’s unfair. I should be focusing on my understanding. On finding qualities in myself and nourishing them. Meditation. Self-reflection. Sanctity of body and soul. I need to build up my inner temple.